The Very Secret Diaries YYH Style
by Radioactive Ferret
Summary: Again, I'm parodying Cassandra Claire, this time, with Yu Yu Hakusho! Really... ehm... 90 percent yaoi-ish... and 10 percent just plain weirdness. when I say 'weird, I mean it in the worst sense of the word.
1. Hiei

Another fanfic from my old account! This is dedicated to Katie Hughes. Don't touch Hiei, or else feel her wrath! (you'll feel it, believe me, cuz she has claws!)

#1 The Very Secret Diary of Hiei Jaganshi

Day 1:

Have made foolproof scheme on how to raid King Yemma's Royal Fridge! First, I will sneak in through the window and unlock the door. Then Kurama and Goki will bring in the sacks and we'll fill em with sweet snow! I tell ya, I was born for this!

Day 2:

Kurama said we aren't stealing sweet snow. Instead, we're robbing the Pleasure Chest. Honestly, does he have a death wish or sumthin'? No way in hell we'd get out of there alive; well, at least, not with 'bits-for-brains' Goki bumbling along after us. _What_ is Kurama thinking? Unless, of course, he accidentally mixed his plants and got high again… baka kitsune.

Day five:

I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! OH HELL, I _SOOO_ KNEW IT!! We stole the Artifacts of Pleasure (the Shadow Dildo, the Vanity Mirror, and the Hole of Aahss), but Goki got horny halfway through and kept trying to fuck the guards! HAH! I tooollllldd Kurama that would happen!

Day seven:

Some boy calling himself Yusuke' is trying to take the artifacts back from us! Hn, over my dead body! Is he really _that_ desperate to get himself off? On the minus side, however, Kurama dumped me… again… (sigh) not worried, though. We've broken up hundreds of times before this. Cold shoulder always works miracles after an hour or so.

Day 9:

Goki dead. That Yusuke-kid killed him by sticking a log up his ass and firing his Rei Gan down his throat while he screamed. Yusuke-kid took Hole of Aahss. Damn. Really liked that one. Found Kurama. Am now worried, as he seems to be going after the Yusuke-kid now… Gods, what's Yusuke got that I don't?

Day 10:

Kurama such a liar. He's fed the Yusuke-kid some cock-and-bull story about his dying mother. Bullshit, I know his greatest desire! He wants to get laid!

Day 11:

Well, whadaya know, he fell for it! Hah, fox _didn't_ get laid and instead had to heal ugly human mortal. The Yusuke-kid's after me next. Must think of a plan. Mostly, need plan to get that fox back!

Day 12:

Thought of a brilliant plan! Will kidnap Keiko and make her my sex toy! Am sure she'd like the Shadow Dildo… Gods, Kurama will be sooo jealous!

Later

Damn kitsune! He ruined everything! Instead of _me_ making _him_ jealous, he goes and makes out with the Yusuke-kid and makes ME jealous!!! Hn, just cuz _he_ can't get laid… Which I find rather surprising, actually! Who wouldn't wanna do him? I mean, with those dreamy, sparkling green eyes, and silky smooth skin and… oops. Damn kitsune.

Day 16:

I hate jail! They don't have chocolate sweet snow! Plus side, me n Kurama share a prison cell… but that doesn't exactly mean he's speaking to me, as he's getting out of jail tomorrow…

Day 20:

Met up with Kurama again… ok, seriously, this is the longest we've ever fought! And for some reason he's looking even more arousing now that I haven't seen him for awhile! Maybe I should apologize… Naah!

Day 21:

Holy fuck monkeys, what in the seven hells is THAT?? It looks like the offspring of Tarukanae and a Fugaki after marinating for a year in that marshy battlefield the Yusuke-kid's been boasting about! Oh, wait, no, that's just Kuwabara, never mind.

Day 22:

Grrr… the ugly fugaki's hitting on MY kitsune! Hn, I'll kill him if he tries anything.


	2. Kurama

This is deticated to Teale (aka Arwen's reincarnation.. really, she is!) who always calls Kurama a hermaphrodite. Grrrr…

#2 The Very Secret Diary of Shuiichi Minamino (aka Kurama!)

Day 1:

Met strange guy named Hiei. Dunno what he was doing here, but he tried to kill me. (sniffle) WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME??

Day 3:

Hiei now back to full health. He's actually being nice for once!

Day 27:

sigh Should've known. Hiei said something about raiding King Yemma's fridge… Honestly, he needs to focus his energies on hearing rather than sight, as he can't even seem to understand half the things I tell him!

Day 28:

Hiei seriously needs to stop and listen for once. I said we'd steal the Artifacts of _Darkness_ from the _King's Vault,_ not the Artifacts of _Pleasure_ from the_Pleasure Chest_! Do Darkness', Vault' and Pleasure' even sound remotely similar? Right, didn't think so! … Well, maybe in Icelandic…

Day 30:

I swear, Hiei's gotten to be such a snobby know-it-all lately. Hah! Just because _he_ got laid and _I_ didn't. (grumble) I'm betting it was a hooker. Have decided to leave the team and wreck havoc on the city! (sarcasm) Oh, but wait! I can't do that now because HIEI STOLE A FUCKING _VANITY MIRROR_ INSTEAD OF THE FORLORN HOPE!!! Still, was kinda reluctant to leave… Hiei made a huge scene, crying and saying things like No, Kurama! You can't leave, not after all we've been through together!' Then the Yusuke-kid showed up and ruined the moment. Damnit!

Day 31:

Goki bit the dust. Ha ha baka yarou couldn't stop trying to seduce the Yusuke-kid and ended up with a log stuck in his ass.

Day 32:

Ok, I can't begin to imagine why Yusuke wants the Vanity Mirror! Don't even know why I still have it, but you never know. Might come in handy. Maybe Hiei will come after it.

Day 33:

Hmm, well, the Yusuke-kid wrecked my scheme. _He_ came instead of Hiei, so I had to make up a quick lie about my mother dying. Little does he know, _I_ caused her disease for just this purpose…

Day 34:

Have made another plan to get Hiei back. The envy trick always works.

Later…

Hah! It DID work! You should've seen the look on Hiei's face when I kissed Yusuke!! Hahahahahaha! Will have that little fire demon back in no time!

Day 36:

Have been put in jail, shared a cell with Hiei, let out, and we STILL didn't make up yet! Oh well, will wreck havoc on the garden store again for a lark.

Day 39:

Hmm, the flying baby said that Hiei and I have a babysitting job to do… oh, wait, I mean we have to help the Yusuke-kid and his butt-ugly friend kill a bunch of monsters… don't exactly see any difference there.

Day 40:

Met up with the Yusuke-kid again, and his ugly friend… Kuwabara, I believe? Hiei showing off again. (sigh) Considered apologizing, but reconsidered when Hiei pretended to abandon us.

Day 41:

Hmm, Kuwabara's acting rather peculiar around me. Maybe he doesn't like demons. He's probably trying to scare me away by talking about all his weapons, like his Spirit Sword, for example. He keeps making threats like 'you wanna see how big my spirit sword is?' Told him I'd pass. Though I could easily kill him, I would prefer _not_ going back to jail just yet. Oh well, Hiei will kill him if he tries anything.

Day 42:

I think Genbu's a necrophilliac. He said something about killing us so he could screw us, then got all horny when I used my rose whip. Heh, always works on the idiots. He came right out and got cut into pieces. On the minus, he could regenerate, but I replaced his head and his (ahem) lower regions. Hah! Very funny. It's just a little thing I like to call REVENGE! Kuwabara very impressed. Maybe he'll stop threatening me?

Day 43:

Kuwabara killed Byyako's creatures. Was the only one to compliment him, as I am probably the only one he wishes was dead. He blushed and giggled, then strutted up to Byyako and killed him. Hmm, can't imagine what strange force would've inflated his head like that.

Later

Um, I guess Byyako's NOT dead. Kuwabara went off to fight again, but slipped on the pillar as I wished him luck. He's probably angry that I broke his concentration. Maybe I'll just be quiet. Then he began stripping, but Byyako was obviously disgusted and tried to disintegrate him by screaming. Am very grateful, but sadly, only the clothes were lost… yuk.

Day 44:

Went through a door without any casualties, except for the one where Kuwabara tried to body slam me when he supposedly saw a mouse. Landed in a rather interesting position. Kuwabara then removed rather forcibly by Hiei, who shouted 'He's MINE, got that, baka? Find someone else!' Couldn't stop blushing until we found where Seiriyu was…

Later

It is official, Hiei and I are back together. It's been 14 days since we broke up; our record of fighting! I don't even remember what we were fighting over! Oh, Hiei completely diced Seiriyu, but I bet you all saw that one coming!


End file.
